Gaslighting: A Form of Psychological Abuse

Gaslighting: A Form of Psychological Abuse

Often when someone says the word “abuse”— and especially in the context of “domestic abuse”— the first thing that comes to mind is physical abuse. We picture images of an angry mother shaking or slapping a child, or Ray Rice, the athlete who last year knocked out his girlfriend (now wife) in the elevator of a casino. We do not question that this type of abuse has happened because in a sense, it is tangible— it is something we can see, and it often leaves visible marks.

We have also become increasingly aware of verbal abuse, which is often a predecessor of physical abuse. Chances are if we have a friend whose spouse is name calling or making remarks about being fat, ugly, or stupid, we would insist he/she walk away from that situation.

In most cases, verbal abuse evolves into physical abuse as the abuser becomes more and more comfortable in asserting his authority over his victim.

However, there is another type of abuse that, although it is becoming more talked about in our society, is largely misunderstood. This form of mistreatment is strictly psychological and aptly called “gaslighting,” after the old 1944 film Gaslight. The film portrays the relationship between a husband and wife, and the husband slowly convinces the wife into thinking she is losing her mind.

So, what does gas lighting look like in a relationship? (victim of gaslighting example/story)

I can give you a couple of real life examples, as I was briefly married to a man who did it to me.

The first instance happened shortly after the holidays. We had both just lost our jobs and moved back to Chicago. We literally had one job between us, as I was working in an auto shop as a receptionist. Wanting to make a good impression at the new job and also make some money, I decided to not go home for the holidays with him. Instead, I stayed and worked through Christmas Eve. On Christmas Day, as the shop was closed, I made impromptu plans to spend the day with my friend who lives in the city. I figured it would be a nice distraction to keep from feeling sad about not being able to visit my own family, and at the time, my husband seemed fine about it.

Fast forward to four weeks later, my husband started telling me that it had been more important for me to stay home and go out with my friend than to join him with his family for Christmas. I would hear about this a lot in the months to follow. And no matter how hard I tried to remind him that I had stayed behind to work a few extra days (and agreed that in hindsight, yes, I should have gone home with him), he insisted that was not the reality of the situation.

Around the same time he started reframing my reality of Christmas, he also became upset that I

had not yet changed my last name. Now, I had no problem with changing my name but had put it off due to sheer inconvenience— the trip to the Social Security office, the DMV, the bank,changing my passport, contacting the credit card companies, updating various other accounts, etc. I told him I was sorry, as apparently it was something that meant a lot to him, and I was glad to go do it. However, the next day I could not find our marriage abstract anywhere. I had to go online and order a new one. Later on, I would discover he had hidden the abstract from
me along with my insurance card (which constantly seemed to be disappearing then reappearing), as well as some jewelry and other personal items I’d assumed had gone missing during our move.

These were not the only incidences that took place but should give you a general idea of how my reality was continually being skewed. Not to mention the man I thought I had married, who was kind, loving, and very affectionate, had turned into someone who was cold, moody, stone walled me at every opportunity, and generally inconsolable.

I started to think I was losing my mind, and I became highly emotional and extremely sensitive in reaction to him. This gave him only more ammunition, as he would say things to me like
“Why are you crying?” or “What is wrong with you?” or “Can’t you take a joke?”

You know what made me finally realize I wasn’t the problem? Wine. I love to drink wine most evenings, but he started complaining about it, even though it had never been an issue while we were dating. I felt guilty, thought maybe he was right, and I stopped drinking wine. That did not fix anything. The only thing it achieved was since he could no longer complain about my
drinking wine, he found some other fault with me. It was a vicious cycle of fault finding where literally, I could not do anything right. Any time I tried to talk about my feelings or perspective on
things, or even made an effort to understand his, he would become defensive and tell me why I was wrong. The gas lighting in my domestic situation reduced me from a confident person who
was always cracking jokes and smiling to a person who was always on the verge of tears and trying to win the affection of my husband. I filed for divorce after six months of marriage.

You may be wondering, “If it was that bad, why did it take so long for you to leave?” Because I thought I was the problem. Even going back and rereading what I’ve written, on paper, it all sounds so trivial. Or one could minimize it to say “Oh, it bugged him a little when you drank wine” or “It hurt his feelings you didn’t go home for the holidays.” All couples have their issues, no doubt. In our case, he was constantly threatening divorce and withholding affection while citing all these things I was doing wrong. And THAT is exactly how gas lighting works! A gas lighter knows how to press your buttons by making a small thing into a big thing, then when you react or adjust accordingly, your response will never be the right one. There will always be something you’re not doing right. It is literally like trying to hit a moving target. Or being expected to pass some sort of test without having ever been given the study guide.If you are in a similar situation, please realize it is not about you or anything you’re doing. Like verbal and physical abuse, gas lighting is about control. By making another person feel inferior, the abuser feels more in charge of his own life. It is impossible to reason with these people, as they completely lack empathy. They cannot see outside of themselves. If you have already tried to talk with the abuser or suggested counseling, there is nothing you can do but walk away. In a normal, healthy relationship, communication is a two way street. Gas lighters will try to convince you there is only one truth— theirs. You were not put here on this earth to fix somebody else or to be responsible for their happiness. Abusive people are not happy with themselves. With gas lighting, it is not uncommon for victims to be beaten down so much psychologically, that just like a dog that has been kicked one too many times, they have outbursts of anger. In my case, I vacillated between sadness and anger, not to mention grief at the loss of the person I thought I’d married. I would feel guilty about being angry, then apologize to him. But this is the end goal of the abuser— whether they realize it or not, the end result is to break you down by getting a reaction from you. And when someone is being abused, sadness, anger, and frustration are all normal reactions.

Next month, we will continue the topic of gas lighting by talking about how it is used in a courtroom setting to manipulate and break down victims. Sadly, gas lighting is done in domestic abuse situations by people we trust and love, but surprisingly just as much in professional settings by people we think are in a position to serve and protect.

Markham Court House Judges.....protect abuser and victimize domestic violence victims...

The victims of domestic violence re-victimized by the courts




















































This is just hateful actions...